Emotional Self-Help
with
Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT)
Rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT) is a technique used to prevent and treat depression, anxiety, anger, and other negative emotional tendencies. You can use this technique on yourself. It consists of learning a healthy way of thinking about your life and circumstances. REBT is based on the notion that it is neither people nor circumstances that make us excessively angry, anxious, or sad, but rather our own dysfunctional thinking. The way we perceive situations intellectually influences how we feel about them emotionally. Negative mental states like depression, anxiety, anger, and shame start with irrational thoughts. As you free yourself from irrational thoughts, your mental state will immediately improve and you will be less controlled by negative emotions.
You can find comfort and power in the realization that no one, no matter what they do, can make you feel any emotion without your consent.
You can learn about REBT and also sign up for a very helpful free 5-part mini-course/newsletter at StressGroup.Com. Visit SMART Recovery to learn specific ways to apply REBT to addiction recovery. You can also get relatively inexpensive one-day training in managing negative emotions from Fred Pryor Seminars.
A little change to in perspective makes a big emotional difference
When something "bad" happens to you, how bad is it really? Let's use an analogy of damage to your physical body. What's the worst thing that could happen? Total paralysis? Death? We'll call that 100% bad. How about losing all 4 limbs so that you are permanently capacitated? That would perhaps be about 80% bad. Having a hand cut off? Maybe 50% bad. A disfiguring facial scar? Maybe 40%. Two broken legs and a crushed foot? Maybe 20%. A finger smashed in the door? Maybe 5%. A stubbed toe? Probably less than 1%.
Now compare what did happen to this scale. Most things that happen to you in the course of a week will probably be less than 3% bad. When you think of what could have happened, that doesn't seem so bad after all, and is certainly something you can handle.
Change your way of thinking in 8 hours or less
Your emotional health won't improve unless you actually do something. After you have followed the above links to learn basic information about REBT, try the 6-step routine below, which can help you kick a habit of irrational thinking and become a happier person in a single day.
Choose a day to practice. On this day, every time you have a negative or irrational thought or something unpleasant happens to you, stop and take a couple of minutes to go through each of the 6 steps. The routine is time-consuming and inconvenient. That's okay; do it anyway. You will soon notice yourself stopping irrational thoughts even before they are fully formed, just to avoid the bother of going through the routine. Besides being a disincentive to irrational thinking because of its inconvenience, this routine also forces you to practice techniques and develop skills that help you to think in a more healthful way.
- Challenge the thought. Is your perception of your situation based on hard facts, or only on fears or suspicions? What other possible explanations are there besides the negative one you have chosen. What is the worst possible outcome or interpretation? What is the best? What is the most probable?
- Put the negative situation you are thinking about in perspective. How does it compare with real tragedies? What "percent bad" is it? Couldn't things be a lot worse? Even if something happens that is not your preference, realize that you can manage any event that presents itself. Why? Because everyone does. You can do it with more or less pain, depending on how you think about it. You will always be the one who decides how you interpret your circumstances.
- Accept yourself, others, and situations as you/they are. Repeat "I accept myself, with all my faults and shortcomings, fully and completely." Accept imperfections in other people also. Everyone is imperfect. We all pretty much do the best we can. This is an imperfect world. Even the most privileged people have hardships. Change or lower your expectations of yourself, others, and your situations. Why should your life be problem-free? If you don't expect it to be easy, it won't seem so hard. Tell yourself that you don't NEED people to like you, appreciate you, agree with you, or understand you. It would be nice, but it isn't necessary to your happiness. Your self-esteem need not depend on it.
- Reminisce, or count your blessings. Take a minute to think about good, fun times in the past. Think about the things you are thankful for. Our emotions reflect what we think about, positive or negative.
- Wonderfulize. Imagine things working out in a good way. You are probably in a habit if imagining the worst outcome for situations that you are concerned about. Do the opposite. Imagine a good outcome.
- Live in the present. Consciously take a minute to look around and notice and appreciate everything you can see. Focus on the temperature, a breeze, the floor underneath your feet, or anything else you can feel. Touch something with your hand and notice the texture. Appreciate the ability to feel. Notice whatever smell is in the air. Listen for the assortment of sounds around you. Think about whatever task you have been doing, and how thankful you are to be physically and mentally able to do it. The past is but a memory, the future is hypothetical. Living in the past produces shame. Living in the future produces anxiety. Both can produce anger or depression. Only the present is true. The truth (the present) will set you free from negative emotions caused by your selective memories of the past or distorted thinking and negative expectations of the future.
Form a habit of reacting rationally to negative events
When something bad happens to us, we tend to think or say some version of the following:
- Demanding fairness. "That shouldn't have happened." "It wasn't fair." "Why me?"
- Awfulizing (Dichotomous thinking, black and white thinking, tunnel vision). "It's awful that it happened."
- Helplessness. "I can't stand it." "It's killing me."
- Condemning/Blaming. This could mean blaming yourself, "I am so stupid!" or someone else, "What an idiot!"
Well, in reality...
- Life isn't fair. That's the way it is. What happened happened, and thinking about it won't change it. The past is past. It's now your new starting point to work from. Dwelling on what "might have been" is useless. Things often won't go your way. Admit to yourself once and for all that you have never been, are not now, and never will be absolute ruler of the world.
- How bad is it (or was it, or will it be) compared to other things that could have happened? Get some perspective. Most things are best thought of in shades of gray rather than black or white, good or bad.
- You've been able to "stand" everything that has happened in your life so far. You are living proof of that fact. You will survive this also. Admit to yourself once and for all that you will be able to stand everything that comes your way except for the one thing that's going to kill you.
- Although someone else may be at fault for your problems, you are responsible for how they affect you. Don't try beating yourself up over them either. You can't change the past or improve the future that way.
So, instead of thinking "That never should have happened; it's awful that it did; I just can't handle this; someone should suffer for it!" train yourself to instead think "It did happen. Period. It's my new starting point, regardless of whether justice is done or not. It's only __% percent bad, and I can handle ___% bad."
Write this response on a card as a reminder. Practice it immediately before you leave this page. Do it again before you leave the room. Do it again every time something happens that you don't prefer, every day for a week. Then keep it up to make it a permanent habit.
Don't take things personally, even if you think they were intended to be personal. What someone else does or says is more their problem than yours. You can take things seriously (i.e. learn from them) without taking them personally (allowing them to control how you feel about yourself).
Try to see the humor in any situation. Change the things that you can to match your preferences, and accept and prepare for those things that you cannot control or that are not worth the effort that would be required. Keep your goals realistic, and divided into small steps. Use positive self-talk, and try to find positive aspects in any situation. Your ultimate goal is to control your emotional response to a situation by changing your interpretation of the situation.
When we handle a situation poorly, we naturally rehearse what we "should have" said or done. Instead, rehearse what you will say or do that will be more productive the next time. Take a minute to imagine the anticipated situation, your usual reaction to it, and your new desired reaction (what you wish to do and how you wish to feel). Imagine yourself doing it right. Once the situation occurs, if you do not do it exactly right, imagine yourself doing it right the next time. It may be helpful to take an assertiveness training course.
Learn More
You can find additional suggestions for controlling negative emotions at the American Psychological Association's Health and Emotional Wellness page.